Saturday, March 3, 2012

Minnesota Douchenozzles

Have you ever been so embarrassed, you aren't embarrassed anymore? Like you started at 12 o'clock embarrassment, proceeded all the way around the clock-face until you're so embarrassed that you aren't anymore?

Enter the Blazers vs. Timberwolves game. The Timberwolves. They have lost to the Trailblazers 12 straight times. I don't think they've been relevant in the league since I was wearing diapers. And yet, somehow, with a few gross beards and a fistful of assholes, walk onto the Blazers' home court and outplay and outwork the home team.

I won't blame the Blazers, I'm beyond that. I have a lot of complaints, but not much blame to spread. Credit to the 'wolves, with their teamwork and all that crap. Rebounding, in the NBA, is tough and they sure knew how to do that tonight. Knew how to push people in the back without getting called for it too, but if the Blazers aren't even trying for the rebound, I probably wouldn't call it either. Also, good on you for the flopping. Seems like all Barea has to do these days is nod his head to draw a charge. I bet if he sneezes on the bench he'll draw an offensive foul. I know he's little, but he's worse than Vlade at this point, and yet it would appear the refs still haven't caught on.

Blazers, welcome back to mediocrity. Shortened season or not, losing at the Rose Garden has never been your forte, and you have now dropped seven, and have dug yourself into 10th in the West. A sub-.500 season is not what anyone imagined, and I know it's disheartening because I've been there the whole time.  I don't have a motivational nugget to bestow upon your brains other than please keep playing. I'll watch if you play. I would pull out the Fear Factor motivation of "[insert money amount] x 3" but I suppose you already know that.

Daily complaints about officiating are numerous for tonight. Most upsettingly, Williams and Barea. They should never get a foul called in their favors. Are you serious? Worst acting I've seen since accidentally walking into Twilight Whatever. Also, there was a string of four straight bad calls in a row, including one possession of 5 missed calls against the Timberwolves, which ended with a bad call in favor of them. What the hell! One guy traveled twice in one move, while fouling the Blazer's defender. Also, in case you didn't know, pushing/elbowing the defender is ILLEGAL and is signaled as a foul by using the whistling device located in your mouth. And don't blow that for no reason. There were times that nothing happened and your whistle still blew. "Out of bounds...FOUL!" or "Wolves drive to the basket and miss, rebound goes to....FOUL!" Good grief. Yes, the Minnesota franchise is made up of dozens of former Portlanders/Blazers, with Love, Webster, half the coaching staff, Ridnour, but they weren't wearing the pinwheels, so shouldn't get home court advantage.

Specifically, rookie Williams on every shot pushed his opponent, one time pushing hard enough off of Gerald Wallace to fall onto his butt and "draw" a foul. Note to Williams: FUCK you. (I love having zero readership, because censoring is unnecessary). If you ever pull what you did tonight, I swear on my dead cat's grave I will egg the cockiness out of you. You a re a rookie. You were decent in college, but stop taunting after a lay-up. I just made a lay-up with my eyes closed, asshole. I also managed to make a finger roll, which is apparently beyond the scope of your skill set, even with your contract. I do that crap for free. It's pretty weak to shit talk when the only back-up you have is the ref. Don't bitch at my guys, diva (cup).

Also, classy card to KLove for the screaming after a dunk. Congrats on losing enough weight to jump. *sarcasm*

Asshole of the night for sure goes to Williams. Not a single time you touched the ball were you legit or legal even. I counted four rebounds on which you cheated, and, as previously stated, every shot you took I wanted to undercut you. You ooze classlessness, so please don't wipe your hands on my team's jerseys.

I'm tired of pleading for the benching of Felton. Seriously, it's been enough. Not marketable at all anymore, not anything but a turnover machine. And he still complains on the bench like it's the ref's fault he dribbled off his knee or missed a teardrop. Yes, there were times it was true, but they won't call a foul on a miss when you've missed 14 straight anyway. Not like you'll make you free throws anyway.

I have to facepalm for the shooting of LA and Crawesome too. Two misses from the line for Crawdaddy is just not a good night. And LA, sometimes you just have to pass. Just never to Felton.

Cream of the Crop tonight goes to three individuals. Wallace, up until about 7 minutes left when the referees dropped all masquerade and polished the serving platter they game was on, you played like a champ. Camby, damn that neck and those chin stitches, you laced up and came back in for a comeback and when you left, so did all the air in the tires. Joel, you walked over Rubio without stomping on him, unlike your opponent, and even dealt with the horsecrap pouring from DivaCup's rookiehole, so props to that. I'd have cocked back my big country arm and smacked some sense into that boy. Slapped him back into Home Depot, where tools like him belong.

18-19. Shudders. Fire Felton. Treat him like business class and put him at the way back of the bench where he can't hear the PA or see what's being served for lunch. He certainly hasn't earned a break, he doesn't deserve a break, but the Blazers and fans deserve a break from him.

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