Thursday, March 1, 2012

Miami Plight (Loss 93-107)

I missed last night's Nuggets game, due to prior engagements. Ahaha, word play. I'll explain later. But, the score was tremendously uncool, and tonight's was even worse.

I don't know what I expected to change, seeing as the Heat are a much better team than the Nuggets, but I expected more than I saw, and was consequently disappointed. Never raise your expectations, Kyle, everyone knows this. Perhaps I was thinking the Rose Garden environment would assist the team, maybe the emotional return of the Thrilla. But nooooo.

The Blazers started out strong, but the strength came in a short burst, lasting a few minutes at most. EVen a mayfly goes hard for thirty minutes. Come on, man.

I don't even have that much to say tonight, because though some effort seemed to come in a few minutes of the fourth quarter, most of the game was a blowout, and Portland seemed to let it be that way. There were only two people who seemed to exude any willpower whatsoever. One was Joel, coming off a year and a half of coach surfing after tearing his knee in two places. And his other knee in one place. That man is so welcome in my home, I'd hand-stitch a doormat for him to wipe his huge as loafers on. I made him a sandwich at Subway once. True story.

But seriously, just because Coach brought him back to rebound and block, doesn't mean he's the only one that has to try to rebound and block.

The other dude, day in and day out, Nic Batum. He probably realizes he's a work hard with too much talent for the lazy asses hear, and wants to put on a show for us fans, and the teams that will actually give him a contract that he deserves.

Now, there are some beefs I have with the other team, and the referees, that I can discuss since I can't get fined. One is, Mr. Highandmighty thinks he can throw elbows and clear out without consequence. Which, apparently is true. There are two particular times that weren't even on shots that number 6 decided to swing the elbow out and down for some room to dribble. I know he struggles dribbling, too strong or something he'd say, but that's hella bullshiiiiii. That's illegal.
Once he straight up swung like a bat into Gerald Wallaces neck, who then went down. And who got called for a foul? Wallace. And you wonder why I don't want to pay to see my boys play the Heat. Because they are handed a game they would likely win anyways. Let them play, that's whack, homes.

As for the team, let's see. How have we not traded or cut Felton yet? Probably hard to shop him, seeing as my shooting percentage was better in middle school and I've had fewer career turnovers than he's had in his last ten games, but at the very least bench the dude. And not not start him, I mean bench. Like Joel was doing when he ruined his knees. Sit him at the end, in a suit by Greg and let him watch. Play Eliott Williams or Nolan Smith. Those guys will have more points, guaranteed. Maybe the same amount of turnovers but surely better PER and production.

One thing I know about Nolan is he would pass out of a one-on-four instead of trying a lay-up/tear-drop hybrid when LEBRON JAMES is trailing? Are you serious? Draw a foul or, I don't know...PASSSSSS? You're not a point guard, you're a jackass. Go to Uhaul school and figure out wear your damn trailer is. Good grief.

Dear Coach McMillan,
I have Loads of respect for you. Thank you for reviving my franchise, coaching injured teams to the playoffs, bring heart back to Rose City, but for the love of Alicia Keys, will you please put that piece of silly putty on the damn bench? It's cushioned, he won't hurt his tush (although a boot to his ass might help more). Seriously, I would be willing to do his job better for a lot less. I'm talking zero dollars a night. I'd drive myself, bitch less than him and take coaching. One thing I promise is I would actually pass the ball. I swear to you, I would even shoot unless forced into it by a shot clock threat. If I shot, I would make more percentage-wise than Mr. Felton. Shoot, I know guys better than me too if not me. ANYone. This guy, this guy, or this guy, or this guy. Or even this guy. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaase.

Man of the Hour: Joel. Welcome back, nuckah. I'll buy you a chicken fajita at Subway, you beasty boy.

Sucky Anus: Ray Ray. I wish you'd torn your knee up instead of Greg. And yes, I do mean that.

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